Create More Emotional Connection In Your Relationship With These Simple (But Powerful) Skills

How would you describe an emotional connection? 

The words people use to explain it may vary but it comes down to the same felt sense for all of us. The awareness and deep knowing that the one you count on sees you, is open, available, will come when you call, and respond when you need them. 

With a secure emotional connection you experience a sense of calm when you are together and when you are apart. There is a feeling of freedom and confidence that you can go out and explore the world because deep down you are sure that you are not alone in it. You have someone to come home to, and that ‘someone’ has your back. 

But what is your relationship like if you don’t have a strong emotional connection? 

In addition to having ongoing unresolved conflict, relationships without a secure emotional connection lead you to feeling anxious and uncertain about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. When you don’t feel sure your partner is available, open, that you can get through to them, and that they see and care about your needs, you will tend to become worried about and preoccupied with the relationship. You may experience a sense of being shut out, uncared for, and lonely even when you are physically together. 

Although the state of your relationship cannot change overnight, the good news is, if you work at it, you can transform it. Practice these relationship skills to create more emotional connection and a stronger bond with your partner. 

Effective Listening. Most people, when ‘listening’, are focused on themselves; what they are feeling and what they are going to say in response to what they are hearing. This is a defensive posture where you are more likely to take what the person is saying personally and become angry or withdrawn. This is not actually listening. 

‘Effective listening’ fuels connection, not conflict, in your relationship. If you’ve ever really been listened to you know what I’m talking about. You feel seen, heard, and truly understood. Follow the steps below to become effective listeners with each other. 

In the listener role, imagine yourself walking in the other person’s shoes. Reflect back what you hear the person saying and ask questions for clarification. Having to do this will naturally focus you on what the other person is saying rather than your own reaction. Consider yourself a ‘container’ to hold what they are saying and feeling in a caring manner. Confirm that they feel understood by you and then allow some space before explaining your feelings and perspective on the matter at hand. Now it is your turn to be listened to. Keep in mind that you do not have to agree or believe what the other person is saying to listen effectively.  

Mindful Presence. This is being together without distraction, in the present moment, and paying attention to one another on purpose. In a practical sense in today’s world, this means putting down your phone. Even though you may think you are a master at multitasking, the truth is, our brain can only focus on ONE thing at a time. So when you pay attention to your phone, even for a brief moment, you are not paying attention to your partner. 

Plan times daily that you will put down your phone and have undistracted time together. This could be at meal time, an evening cup of tea, a scenic drive, or a walk together.

Eye Contact. So much is conveyed through the eyes including kindness and receptivity, as well as disapproval and shame. Your upbringing and attachment style will affect your comfort level with eye contact, especially with someone you love. Some people find face to face eye contact unbearable and feel the need to look away. Many couples spend time together side by side and not face to face. 

Practice sitting face and gazing (not starring) into each other’s eyes while thinking loving thoughts about each other. If this is uncomfortable for either of you then you should take this very slowly as you build up tolerance.

With regular intentional practice of these simple, yet powerful skills you will notice over time that you feel more connected and secure in your relationship.