How’s Your Connection?
Isn’t it so frustrating when you are trying to make a call, send a text, or look up something on your phone and you can’t seem to get a signal? Your phone continues searching for connection until finally...sweet relief! The little bars reappear and you are reconnected.
Did you know that our nervous system is hardwired in much the same way? We have an internal ‘wifi’ referred to as our attachment system located in the most primitive part of our brain. Its primary function is to connect with another person in a meaningful way.
When we are first born, having a close connection with someone to depend on for safety, nurturing, and comfort is a matter of survival. As we get older we become more independent but our need for intimate connection doesn’t change.
Similar to how our phones continue searching for a signal when it gets disconnected from the wifi, when we feel disconnected from ‘our person’ unexpectedly or have been single for way too long, our attachment system will be activated and searching for connection, and in some cases, rather frantically.
When our relationship attachment is secure, meaning we know we have a partner we can count on when we need them, whether they are physically present or not, it allows us to be relaxed, open, curious, and creative in the world. And during times of disconnection, which is part of any healthy relationship, you don’t have to worry; you have confidence that you will be able to safely reconnect.
Is the connection in your relationship secure? Do you feel emotionally safe, seen, and supported? Can you count on your partner to respond when you reach for them or do they turn away or against you? Do you worry when they don’t text back right away? Does it seem like every fight could lead to a breakup? Do you wish your partner would open up more?
The good news about attachment styles and relationships is that they can change. The more you know about your own attachment style and your partner’s, the better you will be able to get your needs met, navigate conflict more effectively, and have a deeper connection.